First Time with a Strap?

Tbh, our first time using a strap wasn’t the steamy, slow-mo queer fantasy I imagined. It was awkward. A little dry. Not painful—but def not hot. And the worst part? I thought maybe I just wasn’t “into it.”

So, babe, if your first go at strap-on sex didn’t live up to the hype and you didn't break, you can try it a second time, third……

Why Your First Time Might’ve Sucked 

Most of us didn’t grow up seeing lesbians use strap ons with joy and intention. A lot of us saw them used badly in porn. Or felt weirdly pressured to prove we were “into penetration.” That baggage? It shows up in the bedroom.

If your first time felt disconnected, too fast, or just not right—it wasn’t you. After a lot of research, it was probably a combo of:

• Cheap toys that felt wrong in your body

• A lack of prep or positioning

• Feeling pressured to do something you hadn’t fully consented to

And honestly? Most lesbians need time and choice to make wearable sex feel good. So let’s start fresh.

Choose Lesbian-Friendly Toys That Don’t Trigger You

One of the most powerful things you can do is pick a toy you feel good about.

If you're like a lot of us, realistic dildos can feel dysphoric or emotionally uncomfortable. That’s totally valid. For many lesbians, a toy that looks soft, abstract, or colorful is easier to connect with emotionally and physically.

You deserve toys that were actually made for lesbian sex, not for cishet porn. Look for:

• Non-realistic designs that match your comfort

• Small to medium girth for a gentle start

• High-quality silicone (body-safe, non-toxic)

• Flexible bend or curve for control and comfort

Crassie’s beginner dildos are made specifically with this in mind. No veins. No stiff plastics. Just soft, queer-centered pleasure.

Size Matters… for Comfort, Not Just Pleasure

We get asked this a lot: “What size should I start with?”

The truth? Small is smart.

One community tip we love: measure your or your partner’s finger—the one they’re most comfortable with inside you. That width gives you a good idea of what your body currently tolerates with ease.

Let your body guide your decision—not your ego, not performance anxiety.

And hey, it’s not about “working your way up.” It’s about learning what actually feels good.

Try It by Hand First — Build Trust in the Toy

Wearing a strap-on adds complexity—angles, pressure, motion.

That’s why a lot of us prefer to try new toys by hand before using them in a harness.

Using your hand gives you more fine-tuned control over:

• Angle of insertion

• Depth and pace

• Your partner’s body language and comfort cues

Once you’ve gotten familiar and your body says “yes,” then bring the harness into the mix.

Trust builds better sex. That includes trusting the toy.

Positions, Pillows, and Getting That Angle Just Right

Here’s what one Crassie friend told us:

“I couldn’t find a comfortable position until we used a pillow under my hips.”

Elevation = easier access + better angle. Try:

• Lying on your back with a soft pillow under your hips

• Being on your side with your partner behind you (gentle spooning vibes)

• Facing each other, hips aligned, with slow and close thrusts

It’s okay to laugh through the trial and error. Seriously. That’s queer intimacy at its best.

Turned-On Bodies Say Yes More Easily

Foreplay isn’t a warmup. It’s the main act. Especially for wearable sex.

Here’s what we know: The more aroused you are, the more:

• Your vagina elongates

• Your pelvic muscles relax

• Your body produces natural lubrication

That makes penetration feel safer and better.

Make space for:

• Kissing, touching, and teasing

• Dirty talk or soft affirmations

• Eye contact and laughter

The hotter you are emotionally, the more ready you’ll be physically. Promise.

Mind-Body Magic 

Arousal is mental and physical. If you’re anxious, your pelvic floor will clench. And clenching = discomfort. “Just relax” is useless advice when your body is tense, your mind’s spiraling, and you’re lying there worried about angles and expectations.

So we’ve gathered real methods, practiced by queer folks who shared how they actually got their bodies to loosen up, open up, and say yes to strap-on intimacy.

These aren’t just “tips”—they’re rituals. Try one or two before or during sex and see what your body says in return.

Deep Breathing: The One-Minute Reset

You slow your breath to calm your nervous system—and your pelvic floor follows.

Try this before penetration, or if you feel tense mid-way:

1. Sit or lie down next to your partner.

2. Inhale slowly for 4 seconds.

3. Hold your breath gently for 2 seconds.

4. Exhale for 6 seconds, like you’re fogging up a mirror.

5. Repeat for 5–8 rounds. Let your shoulders drop with each exhale.

Sync breaths with your partner. It builds connection and gets you in the same rhythm.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Loosen Up, Section by Section

Tension hides in your thighs, jaw, and even your butt cheeks. Releasing it on purpose helps your whole body receive more pleasure.

How to do it before sex:

1. Start at your feet. Squeeze your toes tight for 5 seconds… then fully relax.

2. Move up to your calves—squeeze, hold, release.

3. Keep moving: thighs → butt → belly → chest → shoulders → hands → jaw → forehead.

4. By the end, your body should feel warm, loose, and more yours again.

One Crassie customer said,

“Doing this made me realize I was clenching my stomach and didn’t even notice. After relaxing, I could actually enjoy her touch.”

Body Scanning: Find the Tight Spots with Your Mind

This is a great check in before or during sex. Especially when you feel “off” and don’t know why.

Try this in bed with the lights low:

1. Close your eyes and bring your awareness to your feet.

2. Ask yourself: “Do I feel relaxed here?” If yes, move up.

3. Work your way up: ankles → knees → hips → belly → chest → shoulders → jaw.

4. Wherever you find tension, pause. Breathe into that area and soften it as much as you can.

This is especially helpful for folks who experience anxiety-related tightness—you might not even realize you’re holding your breath until you check in.

Practice It Before Sex 

Here’s the real trick: don’t wait until the strap’s on to try these. Make these relaxation techniques part of your everyday queer care.

• Do a body scan after your shower.

• Practice deep breathing while cuddling on the couch.

• Try muscle relaxation while spooning in bed, clothes fully on.

So when sex does happen, your body already knows what to do.

This is queer pleasure that honors your pace, your nervous system, and your joy. You're not a “low libido” lesbian. You're not “bad at strap.” You're learning how to listen to your body.

You Deserve Joy, Not Just Tolerance

It's also normal if you’ve felt like wearable sex was “not for you” because it didn’t click the first time.

Lesbian sex is full of possibilities. And no one tool (not even a strap) defines your pleasure. But if you do want to try again, this time:

• With your needs front and center

• With soft, non-scary toys

• With the right harness and the right angle

• With love and patience—

We’re here for that. Crassie makes lesbian sex gear that’s not just functional, but affirming. That includes you, where you’re at, and your right to want more.

FAQ: First-Time Lesbian Strap On Sex

Q1: What’s the best toy size for beginners?
Start with a small or slim toy, ideally under 1.2" diameter. Measure a comfortable finger width and go from there.

Q2: Do I need to use a harness right away?
Nope. Many couples start by using toys by hand first to learn angles, pace, and comfort levels.

Q3: How do I know if a toy is “lesbian-friendly”?
Look for non-realistic shapes, high-quality silicone, and designs made with queer sex in mind. Realistic, phallic styles often feel dysphoric or triggering to some les.

Q4: What if I get anxious before sex?
Try breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, and focus on staying connected to your partner. It's okay to pause or change course mid-way.

Q5: Which positions work best for beginners?
Start with positions where you can control depth and see each other’s faces: lying on your back with a pillow, or side-to-side (spooning). Visual connection builds trust.

Q6: Can I skip strap-on sex and still have lesbian sex?
Absolutely. Lesbian sex is whatever you define it to be. Toys are tools, not requirements.