When I talk with people in the lesbian community about intimacy, one thing I keep coming back to is that there is no single way to have good sex. Some couples love hands-on exploration, some enjoy grinding or external stimulation, and others are curious about penetration. Many enjoy a mix of different experiences, depending on their mood, their bodies, and the person they are with.
That is one reason strap ons can be such an interesting part of sapphic intimacy.
But if you have ever searched for a lesbian strap on guide, you may have noticed that a lot of advice focuses on equipment or assumes that every couple wants the same thing. It can leave you wondering: Which strap on dildo should I choose? Does the harness need to be complicated? What if I am nervous about wearing one? And what exactly is a double ended strap on?
I believe pleasure products should make room for different preferences rather than tell us what intimacy is supposed to look like. So I want to walk through the basics of strap on play, from choosing a comfortable harness to communicating with your partner and caring for your toys afterward.
Whether you are trying a strap-on for the first time or looking for a different setup, I hope this helps you explore your options with a little more confidence and a lot less pressure.
What Is a Strap On?
A strap on is a wearable sex toy setup that typically combines two parts: a dildo and a harness that holds it in place. Some products come as a complete kit, while others let you choose the harness and dildo separately.
The basic components are simple, but the experience can be quite different depending on the design, fit, toy shape, and preferences of the people using it.
Here is a quick breakdown:
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Strap on dildo: The toy attached to a harness. It comes in different lengths, widths, shapes, textures, and materials.
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Strap on harness: The wearable part that holds the dildo securely. It may look like underwear, a jock-style design, or an adjustable set of straps.
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Strap on kit: A set that includes a compatible harness and dildo, which can make shopping easier if you are new to the options.
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Double ended strap on: A two ended dildo designed for partnered use, with each end intended for a different person. The exact design and how it is worn vary by product. However, using a double-ended dildo with a harness can effectively prevent it from slipping out during use.
A regular dildo can also be used without a harness, held by hand, or incorporated into other kinds of play. A strap-on setup is simply one way to explore it.
And I want to make one thing clear from the start: strap ons are not a requirement for lesbian sex. Some couples love them, some are curious, and some have no interest in them at all. None of those choices makes a relationship more or less lesbian.
Why Do Some Lesbians Enjoy Strap On Play?
There is no single reason people enjoy strap-ons. Different couples may be drawn to them for entirely different reasons, and the same person may enjoy them in one context but not another.
Here are a few possibilities.
Exploring different sensations
Some people enjoy penetration, while others prefer external stimulation or a combination of both. A strap-on can introduce a different kind of sensation into partnered intimacy, especially when couples experiment with toy shapes, angles, and positions that feel comfortable for them.
Of course, penetration is not automatically pleasurable for everyone. The goal is to discover what feels good to the people involved, not to treat any particular activity as a requirement.
Sharing the experience
Strap on play can invite a different kind of collaboration. One partner may wear the harness while the other guides the pace, angle, or movement. Some couples enjoy switching roles; others prefer the arrangement they already know works for them.
Playing with expression and dynamics
For some lesbians, wearing a strap on feels affirming, exciting, or connected to how they like to express themselves. For others, it is simply a sex toy they enjoy using with a partner.
Neither experience needs to be explained through assumptions about masculinity, femininity, dominance, or gender identity. A woman can enjoy wearing a strap-on without wanting to imitate a man, and the partner receiving penetration does not have to fit any particular gender expression either.
Trying something new together
Sometimes curiosity is reason enough. Exploring a new toy can create an opportunity to talk about boundaries, preferences, and the kinds of intimacy you both want to experience.
And if you try it and decide it is not for you? That is useful information, too.
For me, the important thing is that the choice belongs to the people involved. A strap on should expand your options, not create another expectation you feel you have to meet.
How to Choose a Strap On Dildo
Choosing a strap-on dildo can feel overwhelming at first because there are so many designs. My advice is to start with what matters most to you and your partner rather than choosing the most elaborate-looking option.
Consider size first
Length and width affect comfort, handling, and the kind of sensation a toy provides. Bigger is not automatically better, and a larger toy is not necessarily more satisfying.
If you are new to strap-on play or penetration, a smaller, manageable design may be a more comfortable starting point. You can always explore other sizes later if you both want to.
Think about:
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The size you and your partner feel comfortable trying.
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Whether you prefer a slim, tapered, curved, or fuller shape.
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How easy the toy will be to position and control.
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Whether the design is compatible with your harness.
A product's listed dimensions are more useful than vague descriptions such as “beginner-friendly” or “extra comfortable.” If you are unsure, compare the measurements before purchasing.
Choose a shape that suits your preferences
Dildos come in many shapes, from smooth and simple designs to curved styles intended to provide a different angle of contact. Some have textured surfaces, while others prioritize a more streamlined shape.
There is no universally best shape. Think about what you already know you enjoy, and remember that the appearance of a toy cannot guarantee how it will feel for a particular person.
Pay attention to material
Material matters for comfort, cleaning, durability, and compatibility with lubricant.
I generally recommend looking for clearly disclosed materials and following the manufacturer's care instructions. Body-contact toys made from nonporous materials, such as quality silicone, are often easier to clean thoroughly than porous materials.
At Crassie, we focus on non-realistic designs made with liquid platinum silicone because we want our products to offer a design-led alternative to conventional shapes. That is our product philosophy, not a rule about what anyone should prefer. Different designs and materials suit different people.
Before buying, check the product details rather than relying on a label alone. If the material is unclear, ask the seller for more information.
Decide whether you want vibration
Some strap on dildos include a vibrating function, while others are non-vibrating. A vibrating toy may add another type of stimulation, but it also introduces practical considerations such as charging, controls, and cleaning around the electronic components.
If you prefer something simple, a non-vibrating design may be all you need. If vibration interests you, check how the controls work and whether the toy is suitable for your intended use.
Check compatibility before buying
Not every dildo fits every harness. Some harnesses use interchangeable O-rings, while others have a fixed opening or a specific attachment.
Before buying separate pieces, check:
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The dildo's base or attachment design.
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The harness opening or ring size.
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The manufacturer's compatibility guidance.
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Whether the toy stays securely attached when the harness is adjusted.
A well-fitting combination can make handling easier and help the toy move more naturally with the wearer. If you are not sure whether two products work together, ask the manufacturer rather than guessing.
Finding the Right Strap On Harness
A harness is more than something that holds a dildo in place. It affects comfort, stability, movement, and how confident you feel wearing the setup.
There is no single best strap-on harness for everyone. The right choice depends on your body, your preferred style, how you want to use it, and what feels comfortable for the length of time you plan to wear it.
Underwear style harnesses
Underwear-style harnesses resemble briefs, boxers, jockstraps, or other underwear designs. Many people like them because they feel familiar and provide a more integrated look.
Depending on the design, they may offer a close fit without lots of separate straps to adjust. However, the fit still needs to suit your body, and the opening must be compatible with your chosen dildo.
Adjustable harnesses
Adjustable harnesses use straps or buckles to customize the fit. They can be useful if you want more control over how tightly the harness sits or prefer a setup that can be adjusted for different bodies.
The number of adjustment points is not the only thing that matters. Pay attention to the placement of the straps, the material against your skin, and whether the harness stays comfortable when you move.
Jock style and other designs
Jock style harnesses have a different strap arrangement from traditional underwear-style designs. Other harnesses may use lingerie-inspired details or different cuts.
These are not just aesthetic differences. The design can affect where the harness sits, how it distributes pressure, and how easily it can be adjusted.
Choose based on both appearance and function. A harness can look beautiful in a product photo but still not be the right fit for your body.
What makes a harness comfortable?
In my experience, the details that matter most are often the simple ones:
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A secure but comfortable fit: The harness should stay in place without digging into your skin or restricting movement.
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A suitable fabric: Breathable, stretchy materials may be preferable if you plan to wear the harness for an extended period.
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A design that works for your body: Strap placement and cut can make a noticeable difference.
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Easy care: Check whether the harness can be machine-washed or needs special cleaning.
At Crassie, we designed our Fyn Strap On Harness with everyday-underwear comfort in mind. It uses a fabric blend of 85% polyamide and 15% spandex, chosen for its lightweight, stretchy feel. As with any harness, the best fit depends on your measurements and preferences, so check the size guide before ordering.
If you want to learn more about fit and fabric, you can also explore our strap on harness collection and our guides to choosing a comfortable harness.
Preparing for Your First Strap On Experience
Trying something new can feel exciting, awkward, or a little of both. You do not need to know exactly what you are doing before you begin. A little preparation can make the experience feel more relaxed.
Talk about expectations beforehand
Before getting started, discuss what you are both curious about and what you would rather avoid. You do not need to plan every second, but it helps to establish a shared understanding of what you want to try.
You might talk about:
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Whether you want to explore penetration or focus on other kinds of contact.
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What size and shape feel comfortable to start with.
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Any boundaries or concerns you have.
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How you will communicate if something feels uncomfortable.
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Whether you want to switch roles or keep things as they are.
A conversation like this does not have to feel formal. It can be as simple as asking, “What would you like to try, and what would help you feel comfortable?”
Try on the harness before intimate play
Put the harness on, adjust the straps, and check how it feels when you stand, sit, bend, or move your hips. Attach the dildo according to the manufacturer's instructions and make sure it is secure.
This gives you time to figure out the mechanics without feeling rushed. You can also check whether the harness shifts, pinches, or feels too tight.
If something feels wrong, adjust it or try a different size or style. You do not need to push through discomfort just because the product is new.
Keep the essentials nearby
A few practical items can make things easier:
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A compatible lubricant.
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A clean towel or washable surface covering.
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A condom or other suitable barrier if you plan to share the toy or switch between body sites.
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The manufacturer's cleaning instructions.
Water-based lubricant is generally compatible with most toy materials, including silicone, but always check the product guidance. Silicone-based lubricant can affect some silicone toys, so confirm compatibility before using it.
Give yourselves permission to learn
Your first experience does not need to be perfectly coordinated or look like anything you have seen in a video. It is normal to pause, readjust the harness, change position, or laugh when something feels unfamiliar.
The aim is not to perform a technique correctly. It is to discover what works for you together.
Communication Matters Throughout Strap On Play
I cannot emphasize this enough: communication is not just something to do before sex. It is part of the experience itself.
When one partner wears a strap-on, the wearer may not receive the same direct physical feedback as they would from their own body. That makes it especially useful to check in about pressure, angle, pace, and comfort rather than assuming that what looks or feels right from one side works equally well for the other person.
Simple questions can help:
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“Does this feel comfortable?”
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“Would you like me to change the angle?”
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“Do you want to go slower?”
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“Would you rather guide the movement?”
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“Do you want to pause or stop?”
The receiving partner can also communicate through words, gestures, or guiding the wearer's movement, as long as both people understand and agree on those signals.
And the wearer deserves comfort, too. If the harness rubs, shifts, or causes discomfort, speak up. You are not supposed to ignore your own body in order to make the experience good for someone else.
Consent should remain ongoing. Either person can change their mind, pause, or stop at any point, even if you discussed the activity beforehand.
Good communication does not make intimacy less spontaneous. It gives both people more room to relax and enjoy what is happening.
Exploring Double Sided Strap Ons
A double ended strapon is a dildo with two ends designed for partnered use. Depending on the product, one end may be worn or positioned differently from the other, allowing both partners to experience the toy in a shared way.
Some couples are drawn to this style because it can create a different sense of physical closeness. Others prefer a conventional harness-and-dildo setup because it offers more stability or suits their preferred activities better.
If a design requires one or both partners to engage their pelvic floor or use particular muscles to maintain positioning, remember that comfort and control vary from person to person. You should not have to strain or hold an uncomfortable position to make a toy work.
Strap On Safety, Cleaning, and Aftercare
Sexual wellness includes caring for your toys and paying attention to your body's signals. These habits are not the most glamorous part of strap-on play, but they are worth making routine.
Use lubricant
Lubricant can help reduce friction and make penetration more comfortable. Choose a formula compatible with your toy, and reapply as needed.
For anal play, use plenty of lubricant because the anus does not produce its own lubrication. Start gently, proceed at a comfortable pace, and stop if you experience pain. Pain is not something you need to tolerate to make an activity successful.
Clean toys after use
Follow the manufacturer's instructions for cleaning both the dildo and the harness. Nonporous silicone toys can often be washed with warm water and mild, fragrance-free soap, but electronic components and specific product designs may require different care.
Fabric harnesses may be hand-washable or machine-washable, depending on their construction. Leather and other specialty materials need their own care methods.
Do not assume that every toy can be boiled or submerged. Use only cleaning methods approved for that particular product.
Let cleaned items dry fully before storing them in a clean, dry place. Keeping the dildo and harness clean and dry helps maintain their condition between uses.
Be careful when sharing toys
Sex toys can transfer bodily fluids and microorganisms between partners or between body sites. If you share a dildo, consider using a new condom or suitable barrier for each partner and changing it before moving between anal and vaginal use. Clean the toy according to its instructions as well.
Never move a toy from anal use to vaginal use without changing the barrier and properly cleaning the toy. This helps reduce the risk of transferring bacteria.
Barriers are useful, but they do not eliminate every risk. Choose practices that suit your circumstances and discuss sexual health with your partner.
Pay attention to discomfort
Stop if you experience pain, numbness, irritation, or other concerning symptoms. Check the harness fit, toy size, lubricant, and position before deciding whether to continue another time.
Aftercare does not need to follow a particular script. You might want to cuddle, talk, drink some water, clean up together, or simply have a quiet moment. Ask each other what feels good afterward rather than assuming you both want the same thing.
Common Strap On Myths in the Lesbian Community
There is plenty of misinformation about strap ons, especially when people assume that a particular toy must fit a particular gender or relationship role. Here are a few misconceptions I would like to leave behind.
Myth 1: Every lesbian couple uses strap ons
Not true. Some lesbians enjoy strap-on play, some prefer other toys or forms of stimulation, and some are not interested in toys at all. There is no required checklist for lesbian sex.
Myth 2: The person wearing the harness must be masculine or dominant
There is no rule connecting harness use to gender expression or personality. A femme lesbian can enjoy wearing a strap on; a masculine-presenting lesbian may prefer not to. Someone who wears one may enjoy taking the lead, sharing control, or following their partner's guidance.
The toy does not determine the role.
Myth 3: Wearing a strap on means trying to be a man
A strap on is a sex toy, not a statement about someone's gender. People may have personal feelings or associations with wearing one, and those feelings deserve respect. But no one else should decide what the experience means for them.
Myth 4: Bigger is always better
Comfort and preference matter more than size. A larger toy may be appealing to some people, while others prefer a smaller or more flexible design. The right size is the one that suits the people using it.
Myth 5: Every dildo fits every harness
Compatibility depends on the attachment system, ring size, and dildo design. Always check the specifications before pairing separate products.
Myth 6: You need to get everything right the first time
Learning is part of the process. Adjustments, pauses, and changes of plan are normal. You are allowed to take your time, try something different, or decide the activity is not for you.
I believe good sexual wellness products should give people more choices, not make them feel that they need to fit a particular image of intimacy.
For some lesbian couples, a strap on becomes a favorite part of their sex life. For others, it is something they try once out of curiosity. And for some, it simply is not their thing.
If you are exploring strap on play, begin with the questions that matter to you: What feels comfortable? What are we curious about? What kind of setup would make this easier? What do we want to communicate before we begin?
From there, take your time choosing a dildo, finding a harness that fits, and learning what works for both of you.
At Crassie, we create products with the diversity of queer pleasure in mind. Our goal is not to tell anyone how lesbian intimacy should look, but to offer thoughtfully designed options for people who want to explore.
You can browse our strap on toys, explore our strap on harnesses, or look at our strap on kits if you prefer a coordinated setup.
Whatever you choose, I hope you feel free to explore at your own pace, communicate openly, and make room for the kind of pleasure that feels right for you.