Butch Lesbian or Trans Man: What’s the Difference?

Sometimes someone asks a simple question that reveals a big, beautiful, complicated truth.

Recently, a friend turned to me and said:
"I love women, I like dating them and having sex with them, but I'm not sure if I’m just a butch lesbian… or if I’m actually a trans man?"

I saw the honesty in her eyes — and the anxiety too. Because this isn’t just about labels, this is about understanding who we are, how we relate to our bodies, and how we show up in our intimate relationships.

What Is a Butch Lesbian?

Definition:
A butch lesbian is someone who was assigned female at birth (AFAB) and expresses herself in a way that’s traditionally associated with masculinity. She might prefer loose clothes, short hair, roughhousing, sports, or swagger. But here’s the key: her gender identity is still female.

Butch lesbian = gender expression.
It’s how someone presents themselves to the world, not who they are deep down.

Most butch lesbians are cisgender women — meaning they identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, even if they present outside traditional norms.

Example:
You love your basketball shorts, your hair’s been buzzed since you were sixteen, you’re obsessed with Ellen Ripley in Aliens and prefer to top in bed. That doesn’t mean you’re a trans man. It just means you’re you — and possibly a lesbian tomboy.

What Is a Trans Man?

Definition:
A transgender man is someone who was assigned female at birth but identifies as a man. His gender identity is male, regardless of how he looks or dresses.

This is about who you know yourself to be inside, not how you perform gender to the world.

Some trans men pursue medical or social transition — like hormone therapy or chest surgery — but not all do. Being trans isn’t about changing your body. It’s about aligning it with your truth.

Trans Man = gender identity.
It’s a fundamental, internal understanding of yourself as male.

Example:
You’ve always felt misgendered when someone called you “she.” You experience discomfort (or dysphoria) with your chest or genitals. Maybe you don’t want to look feminine at all — or maybe you don’t mind how you look, but your identity is still firmly male. That points to being trans, not a tomboy.

Gender Expression vs. Gender Identity: What’s the Difference?

Navigating Your Own Identity

If you're wondering where you fall, here are four questions that can help:

1. How do you feel when people use she/her pronouns for you?
   If it feels right — even if you dress masculine — you're likely a masculine lesbian. If it feels off, you might want to explore further.

2. Do you feel discomfort with your body, or a strong desire to change it?
   That can signal dysphoria, which is more common in trans men than butch lesbians.

3. Is your sense of self grounded in being a woman, or is that something you’ve never truly connected with?
   Feeling disconnected from being female might indicate you're trans.

4. Does the idea of being seen, loved, and recognized as a man bring you peace?
   That’s a powerful clue.

Take your time. There’s no rush. Identity isn’t a pop quiz. It’s a lifelong journey, and you get to define yourself.

What About Sex Toys and Intimacy?

You’d be surprised how much toy choices reflect gender identity.

Butch lesbians tend to approach sex toys from a shared lesbian pleasure perspective. They may enjoy non-realistic strap ons, soft bendable dildos, or harness play, but the focus isn’t on mimicking a penis. It’s about the energy, confidence, and connection of queer sex — not replacing a body part.

At Crassie, many butch lesbians love our Rose Bendable Dildo or Velvet Dual Density Strap On — not because it feels “real,” but because it feels fun, affirming, and mutual.

Trans men, however, may feel more comfortable with realistic prosthetics or pack-and-play gear — tools that affirm their male identity. These toys are about embodiment. They support a sense of “this is how I want to move through sex and be seen.”

That doesn’t mean all trans men need prosthetics, or that all butch lesbians hate realistic toys — but it’s a common trend in the community.

Our communities offer some powerful stories. Here’s what we've seen:

• Some lesbians post about embracing their tomboy identity while enjoying masculine roles in bed — especially with strap ons.

• Others wrestle with confusion, especially when they feel dysphoria or struggle with being called "she."

• A few users mention trying prosthetics, then realizing it felt gender-affirming (and they might be trans).

• Many lesbians describe how being with a tomboy partner feels like dating a woman — because it is.

• Trans men share how using realistic prosthetics helped them align physically and emotionally during sex.

These conversations are happening, and it’s alive.

Labels Don’t Define You — But They Can Free You

If you’re wondering whether you’re a butch lesbian or a trans man, that’s not something anyone else can decide. Not your friends. Not your ex. Not the internet. And definitely not a toy brand like mine.

But what we can do is create space — soft, warm space — for you to explore.

So take your time. Try different labels. Play with your style. Talk to others. Journal. Cry. Laugh. Learn.

Because whether you’re a proud butch lesbian, a trans man just stepping into his truth, or somewhere beautifully in between — your identity is valid.

And your pleasure? That’s sacred.

P.S. If you're a butch lesbian who’s curious about lesbian sex toys that don’t feel like props from a straight movie set, check out Crassie. We design toys with queer bodies and power dynamics in mind. No judgment. Just joy.